Known by Your Rehearsals

What your actions reveal about your values — and your happiness

Rushing out the door and into the parking lot…headed for home to watch the game or to the mall
for shopping, it was the last place they wanted to be…glancing at their watches, checking their
phones…barely paying attention to what was happening, to what was being said. A typical
Sunday morning for so many people today. Attending church services out of some obligation,
checking the box, trying to make sense of what God is. Yet they left empty, and sometimes with
more questions than they had arrived with.
The American Dream never said anything about the afterlife, about God, about the real meaning
of life…it spoke only of the pursuit of happiness. And who knows what happiness is? A
subjective concept at best, and at worst, an endless search where there is no reward. People
experience happiness every day; it is all around us, we can see it, but describing it proves
challenging. For just that reason, I always wonder…what does someone value? Within your
values are the promises of your happiness. Military life is structured on core values. Every
recruit is required to memorize them, to apply them, to rehearse them. What I find most
compelling after three decades of military service is the continuity among veterans, firefighters,
police, and medical workers…they all committed to something. They valued something bigger
than they were, but above all, they rehearsed their values daily.
First responders and trauma workers deal with crisis every day — with people hurting, at a low
point, suffering and in need of help. How could they be happy? Countless studies have focused
on the work and lifestyles of these selfless people, but for all the interesting stories and wisdom
we derive from them…their happiness remains an elusive subject. Just consider your own
situation and circumstances for a moment. What is happiness for you? Are you happy? And ask
yourself: what are my values? What do I stand for? These are the most fundamental questions
people should be asking themselves. The answers are the roadmap to your inner beliefs. So often
people tell me about their wants and desires…I want to travel. I want to spend more time with
my kids. My wife means everything to me. As a psychologist, you don't have to look too far to
see if they are telling the truth. You only have to see what their actions are.

Within your values are the promises of your happiness.

Your actions are your priorities, and your priorities are on some level tied to your values. If you
truly value family, then you won't take a job that keeps you gone all the time. If you believe in
God, you'll attend church and probably volunteer. If community is your thing, you'll be part of
one, and everyone will know you. This is the beauty of what Jesus said when he
commented…you will know them by their fruits…(Matt 7:16). You may have heard the saying:
actions speak louder than words. Both of these examples demonstrate the same principle. We
know each other by our actions and behaviors. The plain truth is that many of us are delusional
about our values and our happiness. We don't know what they are, and we cannot describe them.

Society isn't much help in this matter either, because you are constantly being fed a new series of
desires and dreams. Everyone wants to be a millionaire, right…LOL. I remember growing up
thinking, “man, if I can make $100 grand a year, I'll be rich.” Why would I think that? It seemed
unattainable, and yet, yesterday's $100 grand is today's $10 million. Capitalism is its own set of
values, and we have been made to think that acceptance and tolerance are positive. You've been
told that they are Christian values, but they are not. Christ never tolerated sin; he rebuked it.
Christ accepted sinners in their repentance, but not in their defiance of God. So here you find
yourself faced with the self-reflection of your actions, and there you begin to see who you really
are and what your values might be.
The current age we live in is changing so quickly that people are no longer capable of adapting.
For all this change, people are changing slower, not faster. If you are asking yourself, how do I
change my values? — you're on the right track. The answer is simple. Begin identifying several
things in your life that you don't like, and think about what would make them better. The answers
will range across many things, but a constant theme will emerge: your behavior. You have to
choose to do something different. Why do people rush out of church to get home? One common
reason is that church isn't doing much for them in the first place; and while the church is
supposed to be a community…since the Industrial Revolution, it has not been. I visited a church
last year where everyone stuck around for coffee hour afterward. Hundreds of people hanging
out for an hour or so, in no rush to go anywhere.
They were investing in their happiness, their values, and nurturing the relationships that mattered
to them. Cultivating your own happiness requires change. It means becoming a different version
of the person you are right now. If you're angry, find a way to not be so upset. If you're
overweight, find a new hobby that doesn't involve food. If you're drinking too much, put your
mind to work and learn something new. If you're starving for attention, go to church and stay
awhile…meet new people there. The possibilities are endless, but the common denominator isn't.
Psychologists recognize this framework as transformation: when someone looks at the mirror
image they see…doesn't like it…and makes a change because of it.
Why do people start New Year's resolutions only to fail or quit them a month later? Because they
never truly saw the image worth changing; rather…they didn't recognize the behavior that
needed to change. Seeing yourself with all your faults isn't going to feel the best, but no one is
perfect…Romans 3:23 says, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. If you are like
many people today — feeling empty, questioning what the point is, and searching for greater
meaning — look at those who serve. Remember what they do…they rehearse their values, they
live them out daily, being an example not only to themselves but to others. You don't need to
become one of them…you have to identify your values and rehearse them. You have to accept
that you have chosen the reality you are currently in — and that you can change it…by
rehearsing the behaviors that represent the values you want. When someone asks you, what is
happiness? You'll know the answer!