What your actions reveal about your values — and your happiness
Rushing out the door and into the parking lot…headed for home to watch the game or to the mall for shopping, it was the last place they wanted to be…glancing at their watches, checking their phones…barely paying attention to what was happening, to what was being said. A typical Sunday morning for so many people today. Attending church services out of some obligation, checking the box, trying to make sense of what God is. Yet they left empty, and sometimes with more questions than they had arrived with.
The American Dream never said anything about the afterlife, about God, about the real meaning of life…it spoke only of the pursuit of happiness. And who knows what happiness is? A subjective concept at best, and at worst, an endless search where there is no reward. People experience happiness every day; it is all around us, we can see it, but describing it proves challenging. For just that reason, I always wonder…what does someone value? Within your values are the promises of your happiness. Military life is structured on core values. Every recruit is required to memorize them, to apply them, to rehearse them. What I find most compelling after three decades of military service is the continuity among veterans, firefighters, police, and medical workers…they all committed to something. They valued something bigger than they were, but above all, they rehearsed their values daily.
First responders and trauma workers deal with crisis every day — with people hurting, at a low point, suffering and in need of help. How could they be happy? Countless studies have focused on the work and lifestyles of these selfless people, but for all the interesting stories and wisdom we derive from them…their happiness remains an elusive subject. Just consider your own situation and circumstances for a moment. What is happiness for you? Are you happy? And ask yourself: what are my values? What do I stand for? These are the most fundamental questions people should be asking themselves. The answers are the roadmap to your inner beliefs. So often people tell me about their wants and desires…I want to travel. I want to spend more time with my kids. My wife means everything to me. As a psychologist, you don't have to look too far to see if they are telling the truth. You only have to see what their actions are.
Within your values are the promises of your happiness.
Your actions are your priorities, and your priorities are on some level tied to your values. If you truly value family, then you won't take a job that keeps you gone all the time. If you believe in God, you'll attend church and probably volunteer. If community is your thing, you'll be part of one, and everyone will know you. This is the beauty of what Jesus said when he commented…you will know them by their fruits…(Matt 7:16). You may have heard the saying: actions speak louder than words. Both of these examples demonstrate the same principle. We know each other by our actions and behaviors. The plain truth is that many of us are delusional about our values and our happiness. We don't know what they are, and we cannot describe them.
Society isn't much help in this matter either, because you are constantly being fed a new series of desires and dreams. Everyone wants to be a millionaire, right…LOL. I remember growing up thinking, “man, if I can make $100 grand a year, I'll be rich.” Why would I think that? It seemed unattainable, and yet, yesterday's $100 grand is today's $10 million. Capitalism is its own set of values, and we have been made to think that acceptance and tolerance are positive. You've been told that they are Christian values, but they are not. Christ never tolerated sin; he rebuked it. Christ accepted sinners in their repentance, but not in their defiance of God. So here you find yourself faced with the self-reflection of your actions, and there you begin to see who you really are and what your values might be.
The current age we live in is changing so quickly that people are no longer capable of adapting. For all this change, people are changing slower, not faster. If you are asking yourself, how do I change my values? — you're on the right track. The answer is simple. Begin identifying several things in your life that you don't like, and think about what would make them better. The answers will range across many things, but a constant theme will emerge: your behavior. You have to choose to do something different. Why do people rush out of church to get home? One common reason is that church isn't doing much for them in the first place; and while the church is supposed to be a community…since the Industrial Revolution, it has not been. I visited a church last year where everyone stuck around for coffee hour afterward. Hundreds of people hanging out for an hour or so, in no rush to go anywhere.
They were investing in their happiness, their values, and nurturing the relationships that mattered to them. Cultivating your own happiness requires change. It means becoming a different version of the person you are right now. If you're angry, find a way to not be so upset. If you're overweight, find a new hobby that doesn't involve food. If you're drinking too much, put your mind to work and learn something new. If you're starving for attention, go to church and stay awhile…meet new people there. The possibilities are endless, but the common denominator isn't. Psychologists recognize this framework as transformation: when someone looks at the mirror image they see…doesn't like it…and makes a change because of it.
Why do people start New Year's resolutions only to fail or quit them a month later? Because they never truly saw the image worth changing; rather…they didn't recognize the behavior that needed to change. Seeing yourself with all your faults isn't going to feel the best, but no one is perfect…Romans 3:23 says, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. If you are like many people today — feeling empty, questioning what the point is, and searching for greater meaning — look at those who serve. Remember what they do…they rehearse their values, they live them out daily, being an example not only to themselves but to others. You don't need to become one of them…you have to identify your values and rehearse them. You have to accept that you have chosen the reality you are currently in — and that you can change it…by rehearsing the behaviors that represent the values you want. When someone asks you, what is happiness? You'll know the answer!
