Self-reconciliation moves us forward
Another day of frantic chaos, feeling overwhelmed, and lost about what to trust. There are so many influencers telling you what to do that you begin to doubt all of it…choosing to do nothing and feeling helpless in the process. These are the expressions of people who suffer from emotional overload. Sad, but avoidable and you don’t have to feel trapped either. There are always more options available to us than we actually consider. Decades of work with high integrity personalities taught me several things. I don’t know everything. Accepting myself actually might be impossible but attempt it anyways. Goals come in all sizes, pick a winner for today.
The positive psychology storm that took over the Western world in the 1990s and 2000s created a generational weakness. People were told: Follow your passions. Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. Practice mindfulness and you will manifest your dreams. One could argue that these concepts were both true and honest advice for some people at certain stages of their lives. But it is clear, this was not the best advice for everyone. Now several decades removed from the inertia of the positive psychology movement I see people struggling to solve simple problems, unaware of their place in social settings, blind to societal norms which they violate unknowingly.
People are suffering more than before, too. Our youth are now growing up in a society that does not recognize moral high ground. Chasing freedom instead…society chooses independence over acceptance and then forces acceptance of heretical concepts by shaming people who do not embrace the irrational, collectively misguided, and dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes. Where networks of social communities once stepped in and corrected people, providing immediate accountability, there is an arrogance of immunity. No one can say anything critical to another person, even if they are correct, without the fear of being labelled any number of anti-social terms. Freedom for some is doing whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want, without regard for the social impacts of their decisions on society, the environment, or themselves. Real freedom does not operate this way.
The art of obtaining freedom is inverted, and people with high integrity will tell you that being accountable for your behaviors is far more secure than rejecting social norms or responsibilities. Being accountable forces you to consider your decisions and reconsider what you might have done differently and how you might do it. It puts things into perspective. Psychologically this allows you to process both bad and good for what they really are. American society is grandiose, dramatic, and expressive. It does not promote core values, accountability, or responsibility. Instead, it pushes self-indulgence and delusions everywhere. No wonder finding freedom and happiness is so complicated for people today.
Morality is knowing what is right and integrity is doing it when no one is around
I once heard a phrase which stuck with me. Most people wouldn’t recognize it today. Keep your passions within due bounds towards others. Philosophers and Saints alike all agreed that you must self-reflect in order to transform. The transformation they speak of is one that brings about stability, inner peace, and a secure foundation from which to engage the world. Morality is knowing what is right and integrity is doing it when no one is around. No one can self-reflect for you. It requires time, truth, and evaluation. Because I don’t know everything, I need to listen to others…if you’re married, listen to your spouse…they will know things about you that you were not able to see. Friends are another good option, if they are true friends, they won’t have trouble telling you where you could improve without being too critical. Never exclude your confessor, he will have unique insights that cannot be accounted for anywhere else.
Self-reflection is the first step towards self-reconciliation and most people don’t know what reconciliation is or why they need it. Psychologically, self-reconciliation helps you move forward by clearing out the past and by addressing emotion baggage. It promotes resilience and maturity. Feeling overwhelmed, down, and helpless are things we all experience in life but those feelings don’t have to remain. Greater accountability actually strengthens resilience and creates space for processing emotions instead of impulsively reacting to situations. It improves your relationships and gives you mental flexibility to observe issues without becoming emotionally involved immediately. Strangely, this offers you a sense of freedom and control…something seemingly unattainable.
Four easy steps to self-reconciliation:
1) Take inventory of the day (before you sleep). What happened? What went well? What went wrong? How did your action or non-action contribute or cause the situation? Was it avoidable? Do you want to repeat that experience?
2) Acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. What did you do well or poorly?
If it was good, keep doing it. Reconcile yourself to continue that path and think about other situations where you might do something similar. If it wasn’t good, stop doing it.
3) Accept that you could have done things differently…even if everything went well, or if you find yourself saying “I had no choice.” The real truth is that there were many choices before the one you are considering which brought you to that particular moment. Go back further and find a place where you could have made a different decision, acted differently, chose another path. Resist the temptation to excuse yourself. You get where you are and where you are going through a series of decisions…no single action or behavior stands alone. Let the ego go…accepting your failures, your poor attitudes, your lackluster performance, your don’t give a care opinions, your judgement of others, your envy, your guilt, your shame, your anger…might prove to be challenging. And you won’t be alone, most people need to practice regular self-reconciliation to bring about a transformation.
4) Identify a goal & build your integrity. Self-talk is more important than people give credit for. Tell your what you are going to do differently, see yourself doing it different, and think about how you will feel afterwards. Then complete the goal when the time comes.
Matthew 5:24 tells us to first be reconciled…before you can reconcile with anyone, you need to self-reconcile or risk making things worse. You don’t have to live life overwhelmed, depressed, sad, angry, or helpless…just follow the steps and see the improvements in your quality of life. The basis of self-reconciliation comes from morality.
